Goals...I has them

Day 2 of not working out....I had this huge plan to start working out on Monday...But those pesky excuses won over. So I made a plan to set my alarm for 5 am so I could get a 45 min work out in before work..Well it's 6:20 am and I am sitting here with my cup of coffee not working out again. I really wanted to work out this morning but my head said "No...stay in the warm covers..you've only slept 6 hours..." It takes 21 days to form a habit they say. I just wish it was day 21 already. At this pace I will be in my 21st day of NOT working out before I know it!  Maybe I need a little reminder of my goals to push me in the right direction.

Goal #1 To be able to not look like a white marshmallow peep at my wedding.

Goal #2 To be able to brush my teeth without seeing things jiggle.....

Goal #3 To be able to run and run a lot. Cardio is my best defense against zombies

Goal #4 To be able to look in the mirror and not make the "I hate my body" face

Goal #5 To prove them all wrong...

Goals established. Let's see if I can remember them this afternoon when I need to workout...

Help! I'm trapped in a fat suit!!

True story. I am now 7 months post partum and I'm pretty sure I am walking around looking like a marshmallow peep. I went to the cardiologist last week and my heart function is back to normal. Know what that means? That means I have to stop using the excuse that working out could literally kill me...literally. That's ok though because I have a ton of other excuses... Too tired, baby kept me up all night, can't work out and chase a crawling baby at the same time, I already put my pjs on..I don't wanna! I know, that's some impressive whining..Takes talent. When it's all said in done there is no excuse to be this obese.

Motivation? I am getting married in a year and I want to look fabulous. I have been watching Say Yes to the Dress and the big big girls just don't pull of the dresses well. If you are a big girl and that just offended you than you are in the wrong place. I do not sugar coat things. I accept the fact that I am overweight and I am going to do something about it. So six week challenge starts tomorrow. I signed up for the Slim in 6 challenge on facebook because I know that it works. Wish me luck! I'm sure I'll be back in a few days talking about how my legs hate me and want to cut themselves off my body before enduring another work out.

How PPCM changed my life..

What is this PPCM thing I keep talking about? Good question cause let me just tell ya, most people, including the ones who we count on to save our life, have no clue. PPCM is short for Peripartum Cardiomyopathy..and it's a pain in my butt. Let's start at the beginning of  my story.

In May I noticed a ridiculous amount of swelling in my feet and legs. Fairly common pregnancy symptom.. In June I was put on a medication for my high blood pressure and was tested several time for Pre-E..Also, fairly common in pregnancy. But I didn't have Pre-E. In July I complained several times to my OB office about shortness of breath..almost like I was having an asthma attack even though I have never had asthma in my life. I was told "maybe you are catching a little cold, maybe it's anxiety"... I've had severe anxiety in the past..I knew that was not it. In August I was told that I was dehydrated and that there was not enough fluid around the baby so I was put in the hospital to get fluids. (My legs were still really swollen..how the crap was I low on fluid? lol). In September they decided to induce me on 9/11. Bout time.

 They started the meds in the morning and by 11 am I was having serious contractions. They gave me pain meds and shortly after I was having a real hard time breathing. I am a freak about being able to breathe. I panic when I can't breathe through my nose. They put me on oxygen and decided that I must be having an allergic reaction to the pain meds. They did an epidural. It did not work. I was in severe pain and I am a complete wimp. Within the hour our sweet prince William was finally here! Yay, I survived! He's perfect! Wait..I still can't breathe...

They ship me off to the after-childbirth rooms and I got a new set of nurses. My bp was still high, my heart rate was too high and I was still ridiculously swollen. I was told again that I was most likely having anxiety attacks, that my breathing was off just because my body was recovering from having a baby..I was checked in on but no one was really taking me seriously it seemed. Honestly, a few nurses seemed downright confused by my symptoms. 2 days later they send me home. I was glad to go home and begin my new life with my new little boy but realized that night that I was not going to get to do that just yet. I couldn't sleep, my breathing was very shallow. I kept thinking it would eventually just go away. Panic attacks right?

The next morning I got up and got the baby ready (with help) and headed to his first pediatrician appointment. At this point I was gasping for breath. My son's pediatrician noticed right away..and for the first time a medical professional said "Stacy, you may have a heart problem..go to the hospital"..I thought surely not..that's crazy..They wouldn't have allowed me to go home..right?!  I had called my ob earlier that morning to tell her that I still couldn't breathe and her nurse said maybe they could call in an inhaler for me and she would have the ob call me back. By the time my ob called me back Tony had already decided I was going back to the hospital whether I liked it or not...The ob said she would meet us there.

In the ER at the same hospital where I had just been discharged the day before they hook me up to a bunch of monitors, do a chest x-ray, tell me I have a fluid on my lungs, maybe it's pneumonia, called in a cardiologist who did an echo and said I was having left ventricular heart failure. He said that my heart was only pumping 25% instead of the normal 55-65% and that's why my lungs were filling up with fluid. They admitted me. Well wait wait wait! I am a new mommy! I can't be in the hospital! Tony wasn't ready for a new baby all by himself! Hold it!  I have them call up to see if they could admit the baby back in with me...I have good insurance..chop chop..Not so much..Apparently the hospital did not have a pediatric ward...What the crap? What kind of hospital doesn't have a ped's ward? Apparently its common nowadays.. So we were in the hospital..with a new baby. Tony didn't want to leave me..we still hadn't received a real answer as to why I was there. My mom came up and got my new baby and terrified that I may die I said goodbye and let him go..

Those first few days I cried...a lot.. My cardiologist explained that it was PPCM and it was rare. About 1 in 4000 or so women get it. Great...I just won the heart lottery...lucky me. I had congestive heart failure at 30 years old.  I was the youngest person in the cardiac ward and the nurses said they had never seen a new mommy in there. (wow, good way to continue to scare the crap out me) I spent that week getting fluid drained out of me (30 lbs in one week..best diet..ever) I was put on a lot of different medications as they tried to stabilize me and get my blood pressure back down. No one had a lot of answers, one doctor was still calling it pneumonia and prescribed antibiotics..The few times I saw the cardiologist was the only time I got any answers. Not to mention I just HAD A BABY..nurses on the cardiac floor were not prepared for such a patient. They didn't have the right pads, they didn't know quite how to deal with my mood swings. They were used to old people who complained a lot and didn't want to eat the crappy foods. The last night I was there we didn't have anyone to keep the baby so he stayed the night in the room with us.. one of the nurses was sweet enough to help us out through out the night holding him, rocking him so we could get some sleep. I finally got to go home the next day with 8 prescriptions...

At home I was adjusting to my new medicine and the side effects such as blacking out and extreme exhaustion and hey in case you missed I had just had a baby...so tack on soreness and hormone roller coasters. I read everything I could find online about PPCM. I was shocked that so many other women had stories similar to mine. Misdiagnosed. Not listened to. Brushed off. Some had even died. It's 2012 people.. How are there women dying of something that can be caught early enough to offset? That if caught early enough can be treated back to full recovery?  I started thinking about all the signs I showed..and I was getting angry. Why didn't they see it? If they had could it have been treated earlier? I'm stuck with this disease and I have two little boys that need me. Time to get better!

In 3 months my heart was getting much better. Instead of 25%  I am now in the 40-45% range. My doctor lowered a lot of my dosages and took me off some pills. Thank goodness! He let me know that he expects a full recovery in time. He said that we will keep me on some pills long term as a preventative measure. He also told me it was not necessary to get my tubes tied like my ob had suggested..He said that was a bit drastic considering how quick my heart was healing. This was great news for me because while I have no plans for more children the thought that I was not allowed to frustrated and saddened me to no end.

Bottom line, PPCM is a rare condition, but it is not something that should be ignored. Women should be told about the risk of PPCM as soon as they show signs of high blood pressure and swelling. Ob's and nurses should be informed about these symptoms so that they do not misdiagnose someone or worse send them home to die. If I had not gone back to the emergency room that day I would have gone into complete heart failure and my outcome may not have been as great. 

Having PPCM changed how I see things. I am more grateful for every breath I get and I no longer see doctors as these super heroes. I never realized how badly I wanted to be healthy until my health deteriorated so quickly. I am starting 2013 with a new outlook and a plan to get my body back into tip top shape so that my heart will be strong again .

To be outstanding...Get comfortable with being uncomfortable

Well I did not blog for the last 9 months due to my pregnancy. I wasn't exactly the pillar of health I had been working at being in years past. Yes I know you can workout during pregnancy and be healthy but I was in a high risk pregnancy so when I asked if I could workout my OB answered with "consider walking your work out"... But I survived and 40 extra pounds later my super cute little boy is  here!



Seriously how cute is this baby?!?!



So now I have been given the clear to start working out again slowly but here's the kicker 3 months of bed rest have caused my muscles to pretty much give up on me. Walking is daunting, I have to take an intermission when blow drying my hair because my arms get sore..The idea of attempting a workout pretty much scares the crap out of me. I have to start somewhere. For the next few weeks that somewhere is going to be just that...blow drying my hair, walking, going back to work. As I get a grip on doing daily things I am going to start back with Slim in 6 and Shakeology. Go to  www.beachbody.com for product detail. I may even toss in some running eventually. This go around won't be easy. My heart is not back to where it should be yet thanks to this pesky little thing called PPCM.  I can't use that as an excuse though.  So cheer me on and say a prayer for anyone who catches a glimpse of me jogging =)

Wait...you mean I actually have to try and keep my resolution??

So I have seen a LOT of posts on Facebook from my friends who are resolving to lose some weight! First let me say, AWESOME! Now here's the fun part..actually doing it. Let me just say that in all my years of dieting and alllll my experience with friends and family dieting there is no way you are going to make this journey unless you WANT to. Saying you want, working out for a week or so, watching a few things here and there is nothing compared to that feeling when you just say "That's IT! I am done being fat"..I'm sure the politically correct way is to say "overweight" but don't church it up people..It's fat. I still need to lose at least 40 lbs of fat. SO here is my fun advice that I use and that others I know use and it has paid off!

1. Set a goal. A small one. Don't go into this thinking "I need to lose 50lbs" Baby steps, people. Start with 10 pounds..or if you really mean it, 20 pounds.

2. EAT! Wait wait what?? You want us to eat? Yup. If you are working out and doing some serious cardio your body is going to shut down on you if you don't get your calories in.  I use http://www.fitday.com/ to try and figure the right calories that I need to make my body keep working. If you skip meals or cut your calories to less than 1000 a day your body will go into freak out mode. Trust me.

3. Eat your carbs in the morning. I LOVE CARBS. For real. I could eat a bucket of mashed potatoes with gravy and biscuits right now.  I learned from Bob on the Biggest Loser that I can eat carbs but I should eat them in the morning or as a mid day snack. I am currently working on banishing carbs 4 hours before bed time. Wish me luck

4. If it goes in your mouth, write it down. At least until you figure out how many calories you are eating in a day. It's the only way you will know if you are eating enough or eating too much. You will be surprised when you see those numbers.

5. Be consistent. It will never work if you just diet 3 days a week or 6 days a week. If you skip your workout one day you need to make it up the next. This year I slacked off and on for a few months and put 15 lbs back on.

6. Realize that this is not going to happen overnight. Without plastic surgery you will not lose weight and keep it off if you crash diet. It doesn't take long to put that weight on but it's a pain in the rear to get it off.  If you have more than 50 lbs to lose I can say that this is a lifelong journey for you. You will have to keep eating healthy, keep working out even after you have lost the weight.  Once the weight is off those workouts won't be so bad.

7. Find someone...ANYONE to support you through this. I would never have made this journey if I didn't have my Tony right beside me every step of the way telling me that he believed in me. If you feel like you are on that island alone, send me a message and I will be on that island with you. Everyone needs someone to believe in them.

8. Water. Just drink it. A lot of it. Don't argue.

9.  Leave your excuses at the front door. If I don't come home and change right into my workout clothes I will find a million reasons not to work out. I am the queen of "But I'm tired, busy, pmsing, sick, a mommy...etc"  Those excuses will do nothing but keep you shopping in the "big girl/boy" section.

10. Reward yourself. Nothing feels better than a new pair of jeans when you have gone down a size or start putting a dollar away for every pound you lost and then spend it on whatever you want when you are done.

At the end of the day. It all comes down to you. If you are not ready to put in the effort than you are just not ready. All you can do is hope that someday you will have the will to save your own life.

What if I'm never thin?!

 This week has been an eye opener for me. Have you ever wanted to do something just to prove that you can? I have spent years and years avoiding issues. It's what I do best. I am one of the most non confrontational people I know. I let things stew inside me and eat me alive for a while until one thing just hits the wrong way and I explode. So on the outside I come across as somewhat of a butt kisser because it's easier for me to just say "I'm right on top of it, whatever you need" than to say "Wait a minute,no.." It's kind of how I have handled my lifelong journey of weight issues as well. Sure, I'm all over it! I'm working on it! Whatever you need. But I'm not. I'm not dealing with the real issue because that is painful, and who wants to deal with pain when it's so easy to avoid it?  Behind every obese person there is a reason for that obesity. Sure genetics play a factor, but genetics didn't put on all that weight...we did. Not only did we do it to ourselves but something had to have happened to trigger it. I've been doing some soul searching this week to figure out what my trigger was. The easy answer is the fact that I've never dealt with the fact that my grandfather died and I felt abandoned and alone on the inside for a long time. However, that's not it, because I have been struggling with my weight since high school. Since junior high..Since elementary school.

Digging more and more into my past and my weight issues I think I have finally solved the equation. I will NEVER be...a tiny girl. You know the girls I'm talking about..The ones who are just blessed thin.

See the first girl? That girl is the reason for my weight issues, because NO matter HOW much I work out or how much weight I lose I will NEVER look like this girl. Growing up with three sisters who did look like this girl confused me as a child, angered me as a teen, and depressed me as an adult. I never truly got it through my head that I am quite simply not built that way. And why not?! We have similar genes, why did I get the fat one? And honestly, I think my mom was a tad confused herself. It was like we both thought that I just wasn't trying hard enough to be thin. As my sweet boyfriend likes to put it, I'm a "farm girl".. I am sturdy...in other words, my body puts muscle on fast and regardless of how small I get I will always have broad shoulders and arm and leg muscles like a gymnast. Don't even get me started on my chest and face. My face is round and people say I was "blessed" with Pamela Anderson's fake boobs....I despise them but they are a part of me and unless I become a millionaire and buy myself a new body they are not going anywhere.

Bottom line, I woke up this morning and just decided that I can't be that thin girl, but I sure as heck was going to try and be as fit and thin as possible for my frame because I want to see what my body CAN look like.  Do I enjoy dieting and working out? About as much as I would enjoy being burned alive...But I will not quit, I will not give up, I will have setbacks, but I will get back on track. Impossible just became my new favorite word.

After all...tomorrow is another day

"I can't think about this now. I'll go crazy if I do. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day"

One of my favorite movies of all time is Gone With the Wind. When I was younger my Papa introduced me to this wonderful movie. I had gone over to stay with him and my grandmother when I got a case of the mumps. He sat and watched the entire movie with me. I fell in love with the characters and from then on anytime I was feeling sick or down I would pop it in. There was something to be said for that silly woman and her amazing strength. Life threw so many obstacles her way and most were caused by her own doing but she overcame time and time again. My life has been a month of obstacles it seems. I can honestly say that I am beyond grateful that the month of October is over.

So here it is, a new month, a new day. I am sad because once again I have lost something that I have wanted so badly for so long. I have gone through so many emotions in the last 2 weeks that I am surprised my mind has survived. I have been angry, sad, grief stricken, annoyed, confused, hopeful, and lost. There is still a very small chance that all of this is for nothing, but I won't find out the end result until Friday. I don't need the doctor to confirm to me what I know I have already lost and I refuse to have hope for a better outcome. So this month will be a month of healing. I will pick myself back up, turn my back on the thoughts that I don't want to think, and will continue on with my life with just a memory of once again what could have been.

All this brings me to carbs. I turn to food when I am sad. I am an emotional eater. I know this and yet I let myself spiral into a 15lb weight gain in a 3 week period. I know that it will take a month or more to lose that weight and yet it went on sooo simply. The last time I was in this situation my circumstances were much worse. I had to have a very painful surgery with a painful recovery time. This time I don't have that so there is no excuse for me to continue to sit around this house and behave like my life is over. Everyone says all the things that I don't want to hear. I know they mean well, but I don't agree that "this happened for a reason, that there is a time for everything, that I will be ok and can try again"..I know all these things, I do, but my heart screams that they just don't understand..I've always been a tad dramatic according to my mother..I get it from her =)

So today I will allow myself this one last day of grief. I will go to the doctor on Friday and accept the outcome because I have already let go of the hope of a better one. I will pick myself up tomorrow and get back on my workout wagon. After all Elle in Legally Blonde said it best "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy" And I just want to be happy.

I couldn't have gotten through any of this without my Tony. I honestly know that he is the reason I have not let myself sink into that black hole of depression again. He keeps me happy and creates a tiny glimmer of hope that there are great things in our future. I also know that I am lucky to already have one amazing child who I live for and I don't want to teach him the wrong lessons. I want him to learn that tomorrow is another day and that by the grace of God he will get through life's obstacles.