F stands for Fat...

All over you hear people talking about how it's ok to be plus sized, how you can still be beautiful and fun . I agree, you are still beautiful and fun...and fat. I am a fatty. I feel like Fat Amy in the movie Pitch Perfect gets this perfectly! She's funny, sassy, sweet, beautiful...and Fat. I gurantee you that every person you meet who is at least as fat as I am is just as tired of being fat as I am. Even if they won't admit it. And do you know who fat girls hate? Twig bitches. In my case it's not all twig bitches. It's just the ones who have never had to struggle a day in their life with true obesity and still smile smile smile during their workout and as they tell you "you can do it". One of these types of girls is on the dvd I use to work out..she giggles. GIGGLES during the workout. It drives me NUTS!! What are you giggling about?? I am in PAIN here!! I am a fat girl trying desperately to make my stomach stop jiggling when I brush my teeth and this little fitness girl is giggling. It fuels my hate fire... I may have to switch to a Jillian Michaels dvd. I bet she doesn't giggle. When I lose all this weight (and I will) I vow not to be the giggly twig when she works out. I will however give advice because I HAVE been there. I have been thin thin, medium thin, fat thin, just fat, overweight, pregnant, obese and back over the course of my lifetime. I have tried a gazillion fad diets. Some worked, some didn't. The age old "portion control" is the only one worth doing in my opinion. Eat what you want, in moderation and trying and make it healthy but don't go all NO CARB! NO MEAT! No bananas..wait..no one says that one do they? I have done a gazillion work outs. I have listened to a thousand trainers and their ideas. So far unless you are Bob Harper, Jillian Michaels, Tony Horton or my Love Tony it is going to go in one ear and out the other. Love yourself! But love yourself enough to take care of yourself too! Peace out and keep an eye out for my blogs. I don't sugar coat it!

The Cake is a Lie

 So as I continue on my weight loss journey I can't help but notice ALL the people claiming to be experts on weight loss. Be wary. Just because someone works out every day does not mean they are qualified to give you advice on losing weight. Sure, they can tell you what worked for them and you could try it, but I wouldn't encourage anyone to start a diet and fitness plan without consulting with an expert first. One of my favorite companies is Beachbody. The one flaw I see in Beachbody is that anybody can sign up to be a "Beachbody Coach". John Doe could be a Beachbody Coach and go on to social media and push people into doing a certain workout spouting "anyone can do it"..I have learned after having a heart condition that no, not anyone can do it. I can workout and I can use certain Beachbody DVD's but I can't do the intense ones yet because it's not safe..But the Beachbody Coach may not know that. More than anything I have found a lot of the coaches are just salesmen trying to push product on you. There are some really good ones out there though so don't be afraid to use one just find a good one!

I have also learned that I constantly get myself into the "The cake is a lie" state of mind. I don't see instant results and I start doubting that my hard work is doing anything. There must not be any pay off at the end. Also, not true. In order to safely lose weight it takes time. I know that. I just hate it! LOL I have been setting small goals and it keeps me going but I still have that little thing in my head that tells me I will be a marshmallow for the rest of my life.

So bottom line, be wary of fanatics, be wary of your inner crazy, and look for a support system not a salesman. I found that it was easier to be in a support group with other marshmallow carb lovers like myself. It was easier to know they were going through the same thing as myself.

Batter up...no..not the yummy batter...

I finally stepped up to the plate. May 1st I did a run through of Phase 1 and I am shocked to say that it wasn't that bad..I may be crying in the morning though. Wanna know what finally got me off my tush? Incentive! I have been following a strict budget the last few months and I decided to budget in a shopping trip for new clothes..June 1. Well, I do NOT want to be buying clothes in my current size so motivation has been born. The trick is doing the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the next until I stop feeling like a big pile of goo.

As for my diet...Eh. It could be better, but I figure one thing at a time. I have stopped drinking anything that isn't water, tea or my one coffee a day and perhaps one diet pepsi a weekend. I eat smaller portions of things and try really hard just to listen to my body. Listening to my body was what got me through today's workout. My heart raced a few times and I started to panic but I stopped and listened and as it turns out I was still breathing and not going into cardia arrest so I survived lol.

Goals...I has them

Day 2 of not working out....I had this huge plan to start working out on Monday...But those pesky excuses won over. So I made a plan to set my alarm for 5 am so I could get a 45 min work out in before work..Well it's 6:20 am and I am sitting here with my cup of coffee not working out again. I really wanted to work out this morning but my head said "No...stay in the warm covers..you've only slept 6 hours..." It takes 21 days to form a habit they say. I just wish it was day 21 already. At this pace I will be in my 21st day of NOT working out before I know it!  Maybe I need a little reminder of my goals to push me in the right direction.

Goal #1 To be able to not look like a white marshmallow peep at my wedding.

Goal #2 To be able to brush my teeth without seeing things jiggle.....

Goal #3 To be able to run and run a lot. Cardio is my best defense against zombies

Goal #4 To be able to look in the mirror and not make the "I hate my body" face

Goal #5 To prove them all wrong...

Goals established. Let's see if I can remember them this afternoon when I need to workout...

Help! I'm trapped in a fat suit!!

True story. I am now 7 months post partum and I'm pretty sure I am walking around looking like a marshmallow peep. I went to the cardiologist last week and my heart function is back to normal. Know what that means? That means I have to stop using the excuse that working out could literally kill me...literally. That's ok though because I have a ton of other excuses... Too tired, baby kept me up all night, can't work out and chase a crawling baby at the same time, I already put my pjs on..I don't wanna! I know, that's some impressive whining..Takes talent. When it's all said in done there is no excuse to be this obese.

Motivation? I am getting married in a year and I want to look fabulous. I have been watching Say Yes to the Dress and the big big girls just don't pull of the dresses well. If you are a big girl and that just offended you than you are in the wrong place. I do not sugar coat things. I accept the fact that I am overweight and I am going to do something about it. So six week challenge starts tomorrow. I signed up for the Slim in 6 challenge on facebook because I know that it works. Wish me luck! I'm sure I'll be back in a few days talking about how my legs hate me and want to cut themselves off my body before enduring another work out.

How PPCM changed my life..

What is this PPCM thing I keep talking about? Good question cause let me just tell ya, most people, including the ones who we count on to save our life, have no clue. PPCM is short for Peripartum Cardiomyopathy..and it's a pain in my butt. Let's start at the beginning of  my story.

In May I noticed a ridiculous amount of swelling in my feet and legs. Fairly common pregnancy symptom.. In June I was put on a medication for my high blood pressure and was tested several time for Pre-E..Also, fairly common in pregnancy. But I didn't have Pre-E. In July I complained several times to my OB office about shortness of breath..almost like I was having an asthma attack even though I have never had asthma in my life. I was told "maybe you are catching a little cold, maybe it's anxiety"... I've had severe anxiety in the past..I knew that was not it. In August I was told that I was dehydrated and that there was not enough fluid around the baby so I was put in the hospital to get fluids. (My legs were still really swollen..how the crap was I low on fluid? lol). In September they decided to induce me on 9/11. Bout time.

 They started the meds in the morning and by 11 am I was having serious contractions. They gave me pain meds and shortly after I was having a real hard time breathing. I am a freak about being able to breathe. I panic when I can't breathe through my nose. They put me on oxygen and decided that I must be having an allergic reaction to the pain meds. They did an epidural. It did not work. I was in severe pain and I am a complete wimp. Within the hour our sweet prince William was finally here! Yay, I survived! He's perfect! Wait..I still can't breathe...

They ship me off to the after-childbirth rooms and I got a new set of nurses. My bp was still high, my heart rate was too high and I was still ridiculously swollen. I was told again that I was most likely having anxiety attacks, that my breathing was off just because my body was recovering from having a baby..I was checked in on but no one was really taking me seriously it seemed. Honestly, a few nurses seemed downright confused by my symptoms. 2 days later they send me home. I was glad to go home and begin my new life with my new little boy but realized that night that I was not going to get to do that just yet. I couldn't sleep, my breathing was very shallow. I kept thinking it would eventually just go away. Panic attacks right?

The next morning I got up and got the baby ready (with help) and headed to his first pediatrician appointment. At this point I was gasping for breath. My son's pediatrician noticed right away..and for the first time a medical professional said "Stacy, you may have a heart problem..go to the hospital"..I thought surely not..that's crazy..They wouldn't have allowed me to go home..right?!  I had called my ob earlier that morning to tell her that I still couldn't breathe and her nurse said maybe they could call in an inhaler for me and she would have the ob call me back. By the time my ob called me back Tony had already decided I was going back to the hospital whether I liked it or not...The ob said she would meet us there.

In the ER at the same hospital where I had just been discharged the day before they hook me up to a bunch of monitors, do a chest x-ray, tell me I have a fluid on my lungs, maybe it's pneumonia, called in a cardiologist who did an echo and said I was having left ventricular heart failure. He said that my heart was only pumping 25% instead of the normal 55-65% and that's why my lungs were filling up with fluid. They admitted me. Well wait wait wait! I am a new mommy! I can't be in the hospital! Tony wasn't ready for a new baby all by himself! Hold it!  I have them call up to see if they could admit the baby back in with me...I have good insurance..chop chop..Not so much..Apparently the hospital did not have a pediatric ward...What the crap? What kind of hospital doesn't have a ped's ward? Apparently its common nowadays.. So we were in the hospital..with a new baby. Tony didn't want to leave me..we still hadn't received a real answer as to why I was there. My mom came up and got my new baby and terrified that I may die I said goodbye and let him go..

Those first few days I cried...a lot.. My cardiologist explained that it was PPCM and it was rare. About 1 in 4000 or so women get it. Great...I just won the heart lottery...lucky me. I had congestive heart failure at 30 years old.  I was the youngest person in the cardiac ward and the nurses said they had never seen a new mommy in there. (wow, good way to continue to scare the crap out me) I spent that week getting fluid drained out of me (30 lbs in one week..best diet..ever) I was put on a lot of different medications as they tried to stabilize me and get my blood pressure back down. No one had a lot of answers, one doctor was still calling it pneumonia and prescribed antibiotics..The few times I saw the cardiologist was the only time I got any answers. Not to mention I just HAD A BABY..nurses on the cardiac floor were not prepared for such a patient. They didn't have the right pads, they didn't know quite how to deal with my mood swings. They were used to old people who complained a lot and didn't want to eat the crappy foods. The last night I was there we didn't have anyone to keep the baby so he stayed the night in the room with us.. one of the nurses was sweet enough to help us out through out the night holding him, rocking him so we could get some sleep. I finally got to go home the next day with 8 prescriptions...

At home I was adjusting to my new medicine and the side effects such as blacking out and extreme exhaustion and hey in case you missed I had just had a baby...so tack on soreness and hormone roller coasters. I read everything I could find online about PPCM. I was shocked that so many other women had stories similar to mine. Misdiagnosed. Not listened to. Brushed off. Some had even died. It's 2012 people.. How are there women dying of something that can be caught early enough to offset? That if caught early enough can be treated back to full recovery?  I started thinking about all the signs I showed..and I was getting angry. Why didn't they see it? If they had could it have been treated earlier? I'm stuck with this disease and I have two little boys that need me. Time to get better!

In 3 months my heart was getting much better. Instead of 25%  I am now in the 40-45% range. My doctor lowered a lot of my dosages and took me off some pills. Thank goodness! He let me know that he expects a full recovery in time. He said that we will keep me on some pills long term as a preventative measure. He also told me it was not necessary to get my tubes tied like my ob had suggested..He said that was a bit drastic considering how quick my heart was healing. This was great news for me because while I have no plans for more children the thought that I was not allowed to frustrated and saddened me to no end.

Bottom line, PPCM is a rare condition, but it is not something that should be ignored. Women should be told about the risk of PPCM as soon as they show signs of high blood pressure and swelling. Ob's and nurses should be informed about these symptoms so that they do not misdiagnose someone or worse send them home to die. If I had not gone back to the emergency room that day I would have gone into complete heart failure and my outcome may not have been as great. 

Having PPCM changed how I see things. I am more grateful for every breath I get and I no longer see doctors as these super heroes. I never realized how badly I wanted to be healthy until my health deteriorated so quickly. I am starting 2013 with a new outlook and a plan to get my body back into tip top shape so that my heart will be strong again .