After all...tomorrow is another day

"I can't think about this now. I'll go crazy if I do. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day"

One of my favorite movies of all time is Gone With the Wind. When I was younger my Papa introduced me to this wonderful movie. I had gone over to stay with him and my grandmother when I got a case of the mumps. He sat and watched the entire movie with me. I fell in love with the characters and from then on anytime I was feeling sick or down I would pop it in. There was something to be said for that silly woman and her amazing strength. Life threw so many obstacles her way and most were caused by her own doing but she overcame time and time again. My life has been a month of obstacles it seems. I can honestly say that I am beyond grateful that the month of October is over.

So here it is, a new month, a new day. I am sad because once again I have lost something that I have wanted so badly for so long. I have gone through so many emotions in the last 2 weeks that I am surprised my mind has survived. I have been angry, sad, grief stricken, annoyed, confused, hopeful, and lost. There is still a very small chance that all of this is for nothing, but I won't find out the end result until Friday. I don't need the doctor to confirm to me what I know I have already lost and I refuse to have hope for a better outcome. So this month will be a month of healing. I will pick myself back up, turn my back on the thoughts that I don't want to think, and will continue on with my life with just a memory of once again what could have been.

All this brings me to carbs. I turn to food when I am sad. I am an emotional eater. I know this and yet I let myself spiral into a 15lb weight gain in a 3 week period. I know that it will take a month or more to lose that weight and yet it went on sooo simply. The last time I was in this situation my circumstances were much worse. I had to have a very painful surgery with a painful recovery time. This time I don't have that so there is no excuse for me to continue to sit around this house and behave like my life is over. Everyone says all the things that I don't want to hear. I know they mean well, but I don't agree that "this happened for a reason, that there is a time for everything, that I will be ok and can try again"..I know all these things, I do, but my heart screams that they just don't understand..I've always been a tad dramatic according to my mother..I get it from her =)

So today I will allow myself this one last day of grief. I will go to the doctor on Friday and accept the outcome because I have already let go of the hope of a better one. I will pick myself up tomorrow and get back on my workout wagon. After all Elle in Legally Blonde said it best "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy" And I just want to be happy.

I couldn't have gotten through any of this without my Tony. I honestly know that he is the reason I have not let myself sink into that black hole of depression again. He keeps me happy and creates a tiny glimmer of hope that there are great things in our future. I also know that I am lucky to already have one amazing child who I live for and I don't want to teach him the wrong lessons. I want him to learn that tomorrow is another day and that by the grace of God he will get through life's obstacles.